I feel like a failure every day.
I am in a constant battle with my body, never allowing it to take its natural shape. Never letting my mouth or stomach govern what I eat. Trusting a stranger with a piece of paper over my own intuition and hunger cues.
I so badly want to look the part. I want people to trust me, to pay me money to get them in shape. I know I can seduce them with my perfect body, and then help them do the same.
Two years ago, I was thinking these thoughts, working my way up the fitness ladder, diet by diet, two workouts at a time.
My power was in my body. Without my body, there was no power.
The biggest problem with that was that, I gained more power by having less of my body.
Until I looked like this.
Standing in front of the mirror, I would analyze my every curve (and lack of curves), worrying about meal timing aligning with picture timing.
I’d think to myself…today is Sunday. Picture day. My long-distance coach wants to see my progress…but I’m so starving.
Knowing that I can’t have breakfast until I workout and get my progress picture, I head to the gym at five AM.
On my way out, I check out my booty. Good, no cellulite showing today.
I anxiously step out of the gym thinking about what I could have done better the last five weeks. I didn’t eat any meals off my plan, I didn’t go to any restaurants, I didn’t go to any parties, I’ve been working out twice a day, I’ve been eating 7 meals a day, perfectly packaged in Tupperware, never missing a meal